Automatic.

Tears streaming down my eyes as my hands were on the wheels. The road was slippery but my car was at a very fast speed and I nearly skidded into a tree. I stopped the car immediately, trying my best to control my anger and sanity. I almost had the idea of killing myself in an accident, it could be as tragic as my love story. "Such a stupid act, I am better than this!" I tried to be strong but my heart just couldn't take it anymore. All the hurt, betrayal and broken promises, they ate me alive, it was far too dreadful for my heart to bear. Letting go of someone you love was the hardest decision ever but what if it was for the best? Love was always cruel to me. That was it, my last goodbye to a love once existed left me feeling broken ..maybe forever?

 

Bill: "Don´t be reckless with other people´s hearts. Don´t put up with people who are reckless with yours." - mary schmich june 1, 1997 #BTKapp

I woke up to the sound of myself singing, a high-pitched chorus of our first Humanoid's single alongside with a thumping thunder in the sky. Guess that, my evening nap was interrupted. Somehow, I felt a sharp pain in my heart of recalling the past. The dream was surreal, it came back reeling into my life without an invitation and that song I wrote just had to play as my soul was awaken to reality, how I hated this bizarre coincidence! I pulled the earphones away from my ears, wanting to stop the past from haunting my mind. But it was rather too late since my mind was already consumed by excruciating thoughts that I couldn't bear to handle, alas making me have a hatred feeling towards the four letter word, L-O-V-E.

"It's been 4 years." I heard Tom said out aloud.

My eyes were still shut tight but my mind was processing and it took about a few seconds for me to figure out the mystery between his lines. "Oh right. 4 years of Automatic." My fans may say it's an achievement but to me it was just a disappointment. Why did I even write it out as a song when the fact that it will only remind me of the pain shot by the one who broke my heart into pieces? Years have passed and yet, I'm still coping to live with a fragile heart. Some may say, I'm all fixed but why do I still feel broken? A single tear wet my cheek as I rubbed my eyes and slowly opened the eyelids, I wasn't sure whether I was crying or my eyes were just watery after that short nap.

"Oh Bill, were you sleeping?"
"Yeah, thanks for the alarm."
"You must have heard me, come on. Get your ass up, we're gonna celebrate, tonight!"

His face was radiant in excitement, even my own brother would want to celebrate our 4 years old Automatic. Again I'm not surprised, the single was indeed a hit. Who would ever thought it was meant to bring an old pain back for a stab? Oh wait, only me. No one in the band would actually felt the pain, they only gave the song, a life. The one who suffers all has got to me because it was originally written from my heart, reflecting the shattered pieces of me with a love I once had. Or perhaps, they have found the real meaning of love while I am still crawling to heal.

"Wake up, already! Go and get dress!"
 "Hey, okay okay!"

I finally got up and positioned myself to a sitting manner in my laziest gesture as Tom left our living room to join Ria in the kitchen who just came down from upstairs. He greeted Ria with a kiss and the way he looked her in the eyes with the feeling of love just burns a hole through my heart. I was feeling envious, not over Ria but Tom. That happy look on Tom's face I saw everyday, soothes my bruised heart little by little. If my twin could be happy when it comes to love, perhaps I could be happy too one day. Then again, my mind made me wonder, why can't I have happiness in love? Each time I've encounter one, pain was always being served, good enough to wreck my tainted heart even more. To my dismay, my soul was heavenly broken and I can't fix it.

"Bill, are you okay?"

Minutes gone by and Tom was sitting next to me, noticing him was a failure as I was lost in my deep thoughts for quite some time. I wanted to scream to his face, "don't you get it? I'm always in pain." But obviously, I didn't have the guts to even whisper the word out, it would only worries him. Instead I just carved a smile to let him know I was fine.

"Yeah, all good."

Little did everyone know, I smile to hide my pain and it slowly became automatic.